Just do it

It feels like I've got all this bottled up emotion and words to share, and not enough time to get them all out. I hate feeling like I have to do everything at once. I want to write meaningful, coherent posts, to get all this junk out of my head so I can move on to other things, but for now, I just need to write, hence the title, "just do it."

Here goes:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

In other news, the "boys" (our nomenclature for the twins) are turning into little men. They say "thank you," "you're welcome," they have opinions, they have observations. They are really sweet little folks, even though they often get on my nerves. I can't imagine having to share everything, including my bedroom, with someone that looks and acts a lot like me. It would probably annoy me a too. We are trying to split them up more, give them their own space to play and interact, and take them on errands and spend time with them individually. It is helping, but I don't know if it's enough.

Sam is growing so much! He's a very big boy, in the 85th percent for his height and weight, and his big noggin is off the growth chart. I can hardly keep him in hats, none of the size charts are even close for him. He has this new habit of smiling, then sticking out his tongue and keeping it out with the widest smile. It's so adorable, and makes me smile every time.

We are spending the weekend away from home, iced in at my in-laws' home about an hour from home. I've been able to relax some, get some help in taking care of the baby, and not having to do an endless supply of laundry and dishes has been nice.

I will write again, sooner than I have been. I just needed to get started, so now I've broken the ice, as it were. I'd like to write more about my dad, I just need time to get my thoughts down. In the meantime, take care and God bless, and enjoy the time you have with the people you love.

Today's encouraging verse: "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10