Good fruit

I know I've mentioned before about the pregnancy journal my husband and I started for the twins. I haven't written in it since the boys' birthday at the end of October, and so much has happened since then. I wanted to tell them about Dad's death and tell them about their grandpa before I put it in writing for the web, so I'll just transfer what I wrote to them here:

1/28/17 Twins: 3 years, 3 months; Samuel: almost 5 months

My dear little boys-

It has been so long since I've written you, and so much has happened. I didn't know how to put it into words and I still don't, but I'm going to try anyway.

First, I love you very much. I've wanted to write to tell you about all the wonderful things you're doing, how big you're getting, and how proud I am of you. I knew if I did that though, I would have to talk about this, and I wasn't ready yet.

Here's the thing: your grandpa (my daddy) died. 

We found out a few weeks after Samuel came that Grandpa was sick, and it was pretty serious. He had stomach cancer and there wasn't much they could do except try to kill it with harsh medicine, called chemotherapy. Chemo often makes people sick in other ways, even if it kills the cancer, so we knew it was going to be hard, if he made it through all of that.

Grandpa was in and out of the hospital several times over October and November for an infection. He had lots of fluid in his tummy that wouldn't go away, and it made him very sore and bloated. Right before Thanksgiving, we found out the fluid was part of his cancer and they couldn't get rid of it, stop the cancer from spreading, or fight it with chemo because he was too sick.

After Thanksgiving, Grandpa came home from the hospital and was planning to be home until the cancer finally took him. We thought that might be several weeks, or at least several days. Unfortunately, we were mistaken, and he died after being home for only 24 hours, on November 29th.

Your grandpa was not a rich or powerful man, he wasn't exceptionally smart or a great philosopher. He read car magazines and the newspaper, and he would read you picture books if you curled up in his lap. He liked old cars and doing things for other people. He collected things like tools, car ornaments, and clocks. He worked his whole life to make sure my mom, my brother, you 3, and I all had what we needed. He wasn't ever afraid of hard work, and I don't remember him ever turning down a request for help. He did many things for me growing up I never even knew I needed done.

Most importantly, he loved you boys more than anything. He would have done anything for you. He lost over 200 lbs in the last year so he could play and take care of you, and be healthy as you grew older. He worked so hard and did such a great job, he wanted to be able to physically do anything for you too.

He was so proud of you. Every time we went in to his work at Costco, he couldn't wait to tell his coworkers you were his grandboys. He let you get on the forklift and showed you how to honk the horn. He talked about you all the time and kept photos of you on the desk. Even after he got sick, he volunteered to watch you, by himself, so I could go to an appointment. He loved spending time with you.

We went to the lake last summer, and Grandpa was so eager to let you "drive" his pontoon boat. You were scared to, but you enjoyed riding in the boat and talked about staying in "Grandpa & Grandma's camper" for weeks.

Your grandpa was not a church-going man, and I'm not sure if he ever opened a Bible, but he claimed to know Jesus. If the "fruit of the Spirit" is any indication of one's spiritual walk, Grandpas was a righteous man. We won't know this side of heaven, but I pray that we will all be together for eternity at God's side. Since little Sammy will probably not remember Grandpa (although, we serve a Big God--He could do it if He chose), we pray that each of you has a deep, rich relationship with Jesus, so you can get to know your grandpa personally in heaven. Until then, just know that he will be sorely missed.

This probably won't be the last time I write about Grandpa. As I remember more and more, I'll try to share those things with you. I so wish you each had more time with him, but I am grateful for all the time and fun you did get to spend with him.

I love you very much.

Love always-

Mom

Today's encouraging verse: "For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22

Trust and obey

Written last night:

Being a mother of 3, 3 and under is not an easy job. I say this as someone who has given birth to, nursed, and raised twins, so you know this has some credibility. Sure, my twins are incredibly smart and well-meaning, they love to be helpful, and are getting to be fairly independent. But there are some days I would give my right arm to only have to tell them 1 time to do 1 little thing, and know that it gets done without my having to micromanage every step of it. Today was one of those days.

The most recent example was this evening, right before bed. I asked Isaac to go to the bathroom and take off his underpants and his pants, so we could put a diaper on him for sleep (they are so close to being diaper-free! Probably in the next few weeks...). He walks away, goes in the bathroom, then comes back 30 seconds later, completely dressed. I asked if he went to the bathroom, he said, "I already went," so I asked him to go back in the bathroom and undress. He went back in and came out with a shirt, underpants, and socks. So I asked him once again to go get ready for bed, and 5 minutes after the initial request, had a half-naked boy dancing out of the bathroom with a diaper waving over his head. 

We have been talking with them extensively about obedience, and trying to patiently work with them on learning to obey, the first time. We have had a bit of trouble getting them to obey the second, third, fourth time, or sometimes even at all. It's not that they're necessarily being defiant (although, sometimes Isaac tests those waters), it's just that "toddler time" is about 2 hours behind "Mommy time," if things even get done at all before they get distracted by the next thought that floats into their little blonde heads. 

One of the main things we've been trying to teach them about obedience is that if they can't obey their parents, who, very clearly, tell them exactly what we expect, how will they be able to obey God, whose voice is sometimes hard to discern and sometimes asks great things from us? Of course, we have His Word, but He also whispers to us and nudges us in various ways to get us to do His will. On a more practical level, they also need to learn to obey laws and rules in order to be functioning citizens.

It is slow going, and we take many steps back, and do much reminding of "what it means to obey," but they are also very sweet little people. I do get frustrated with them, and sometimes lose my temper with them, but somehow they usually manage to disarm me suddenly with a completely unexpected action, like the one I saw today. 

I had just finished nursing Sam and set him in his Boppy so I could get lunch ready for the older boys and myself. He is almost able to sit up by himself (amazing, with that huge noggin!), so I put a pillow in front of him and set him in the corner of the couch. I walked away, and before I knew it, this is what I saw: 

Tyson climbed up there, moved the pillow, and sat and smiled, tickled, sang to, and even read a book to his tiny little brother! Sam loved being face to face with Tyson, and Tyson held the book up so Sam could see the illustrations, and read every page with a smile to him. My heart absolutely melted.

As much as they can drive me crazy, it's moments like these that make it all worth it. We put them down for bed tonight, and prayed for their poor little noses to stop running and for their coughs, and for them to learn to be more obedient, and both Tyson and Isaac prayed, of their own will, for us all to obey, to have a good night's sleep, for my husband's job, and to apologize to one another. I could not have been more proud.

They may not do everything we ask. They may not do half of what we ask. They may require several reminders, redirections, whatever you like to call them. But they get the stuff that really matters. Baby brothers are people too, and are worth taking the time to interact with. Praying together really does make a difference, and God hears our prayers. Even the prayers of a little child can change a grumpy adult's hurting heart. I love my boys. All 4 of them (sometimes my hubby needs extra reminders too) ;-) And I am blessed to have the privilege to work with them each day, caring for them, teaching them, and loving them. If God gave me the challenge of raising these boys, He will also give me the patience, kindness, and grace to do it well.

Today's encouraging verse: "And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness.” Deuteronomy 6:25

Just do it

It feels like I've got all this bottled up emotion and words to share, and not enough time to get them all out. I hate feeling like I have to do everything at once. I want to write meaningful, coherent posts, to get all this junk out of my head so I can move on to other things, but for now, I just need to write, hence the title, "just do it."

Here goes:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

In other news, the "boys" (our nomenclature for the twins) are turning into little men. They say "thank you," "you're welcome," they have opinions, they have observations. They are really sweet little folks, even though they often get on my nerves. I can't imagine having to share everything, including my bedroom, with someone that looks and acts a lot like me. It would probably annoy me a too. We are trying to split them up more, give them their own space to play and interact, and take them on errands and spend time with them individually. It is helping, but I don't know if it's enough.

Sam is growing so much! He's a very big boy, in the 85th percent for his height and weight, and his big noggin is off the growth chart. I can hardly keep him in hats, none of the size charts are even close for him. He has this new habit of smiling, then sticking out his tongue and keeping it out with the widest smile. It's so adorable, and makes me smile every time.

We are spending the weekend away from home, iced in at my in-laws' home about an hour from home. I've been able to relax some, get some help in taking care of the baby, and not having to do an endless supply of laundry and dishes has been nice.

I will write again, sooner than I have been. I just needed to get started, so now I've broken the ice, as it were. I'd like to write more about my dad, I just need time to get my thoughts down. In the meantime, take care and God bless, and enjoy the time you have with the people you love.

Today's encouraging verse: "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

Dad

I can't write about it yet, it's still too fresh (even though it's been a month), but here is a post from one of my other blogs about my dad: http://knitpickerlnp.blogspot.com/2016/12/dad.html

I will write more as I am able, but I am still wrapping my head around everything that happened, and dealing with it in my own way. Usually, that's to write, but if I can't get time to do the topic justice, I just won't do it.

Today's encouraging verse: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12