semi-annual post

I'm still here. Surprise! I thought I'd try to put a few words down and call it my "semi-annual" post. Ha.

Life is busy. Blessing is walking, starting to talk, and loves to follow me around the house. The big boys love to play within about a foot of each other (despite our best efforts), but they don't love playing with Blessing all the time. We have dubbed him, "Sammy the Destroyer" for good reason.

I don't like to think too much, as it makes me sad and melancholy. So I stay busy. Putting my thoughts down into words falls along the same lines as thinking, so I've found excuses to not post.

Today (technically, yesterday; it's 1:30 a.m.) was the 1st anniversary of my dad's death, and instead of thinking about him, or what I was doing this time last year, I did my best to stay busy all day. All week, really. I really need to go to bed. In a minute. I need to do this first.

I miss him so much. I never thought I would have so many times I wish I could ask his advice, hear his voice, see his face, visit him at Costco (where he worked), or see him interact with my kids. He always put huge smiles on their faces. I hope they don't forget him. We don't talk about him much, except to say he's in heaven with God and Jesus. I don't know if the twins even remember his face. I only have a small photo of him out.

My children are beautiful, happy, healthy (except for their nasty coughs right now), and so smart. They remind me of him, with his big ears and sneaky grin. They deserve more from me, but I'm barely keeping my head above water. I wish I could be a better mother for them. I need to sleep so I can at least be civil to them tomorrow. I'll leave you with a photo, and hope I can post again soon.

Today's encouraging verse: "But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives." 2 Peter 3:10-11

Spring cleaning

Once again, it's been far too long since I last posted. It's not that I don't care, I just have 2 other blogs that are more goal-oriented. This blog is ideally for whenever I have something to write about, and so often, I feel I just don't. I should update every couple of weeks, so that when I do blog it's not terribly long, but it is what it is.

I titled this one "Spring cleaning" because it's basically what I'm doing: cleaning out all the things I thought about writing about and never did, and catching up on the last few months. Here goes:

One of the things I posted about last was our schedule. It went okay for about 2 weeks, and then I just stopped caring about it. I didn't plan for our craft and science experiment days (other than to pin EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine on a board for each subject), so I stopped doing those altogether. It has been so rainy this spring, most of our outdoor activities consist of playing in the backyard. I forgot to have the kids bake and cook with me on most days, and storytime at the library only happened a couple of times. The only thing that we did consistently was to visit my grandparents each week, and we even missed a couple of those due to illness.

All of that was to say, I think I was too structured (preposterous!) with my planning. I scheduled 2 activities a day most days, and I think I got overwhelmed by it all. I have revised the schedule to reflect our summer activities (we have passes to 3 local venues) and simplified the going out aspect. I have at least 2 days a week where we just stay home, do our activities, and run errands if necessary. I have scheduled in "field trip" days for special venues around town that we enjoy or would like to try out. I have their chores and even a "date night" for each twin (Blessing gets our attention in other ways...). I like that some days I only have 1 activity for the whole day, and if we decide to do something else, we can, or those can be days we just veg out, or go to a park, or whatever we feel like.

Hopefully, this will help me to stay motivated to do more with them and not be so focused on just doing my housework, taking care of the baby, and working on my hobbies.

Enough of that: what about those darling little boys?! I love my misters (all 4 of them!). When people find out that I have 3 boys, most of the time I get a comment about how I have my hands full. To be honest, when people find out I have twins they tell me I have my hands full. When they find out I have an infant as well, it's like they throw their hands up in disbelief, and forget the fact they're all male.

In truth, I wouldn't have it any other way. When we found out we were having twins, I desperately wanted same-sex twins, and I really wanted little boys instead of girls. I could not fathom affording 2 prom dresses, 2 weddings, managing 2 teenage little women, and all the hormones that would come with them. I have always grown up being more comfortable around boys than girls (I had 14 male cousins and 5 female...), and I just get along with them better. Girls have so much drama. I like how low-maintenance my relationships with guys are. I have to be blatantly obvious (especially with my hubby) when I talk to them, but otherwise, things are pretty good.

When we found out Blessing would be a boy, I was a little relieved. I still wanted a girl for my hubby's sake (he's still wanting for one...), but I when I found out we were going to have another little man, I was glad. Not only can he wear all of the twins' clothes and play with their toys, they can (potentially) share a room for the rest of their adolescence. It's not ideal to have 3 in the same room, but it would be nearly impossible to have 2 sixteen-year-olds males and a 13-year-old female in the same room.

That said, here are my 3 little people interacting over the last couple of months:

L'aig and Bl'aig reading one of our favorite books: Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go

Bl'aig entertaining Blessing before his bath

The beautiful bulbs the boys helped plant last fall

Helping Daddy build a raised bed for our garden

Blessing: master puzzler

Spontaneous family photo

L'aig and Bl'aig--getting so big

Love those cheeks!

They really look like teenagers to me here! I can tell what they'll look like in several years.

L'aig not really enjoying his haircut

Bl'aig after his haircut

Tickle monster!

Handsome hoodlums

My little toothy monster

So sweet! They are organized like their Mommy

Guitar lesson this week

Look at that smile

I think that's about all I wanted to share today. I guess I didn't have a lot to write, but these are the fun photos I've taken. Hope you enjoy!

Today's encouraging verse: "Finally brother, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think on these things." Philippians 4:8

Too long...

I'm up against 2 tight deadlines on big projects (photo book coupons that expire this weekend and a self-imposed finish date for a HUGE project) this weekend, but after that, hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly.

The weather's getting warmer, so we're spending more time outside, and just out, in general. I have to do most of my personal projects while the kiddos are napping or in bed for the night, and I've been opting to accomplish some personal crafting goals instead of writing. In addition to those things, Blessing is teething, eating solid foods, and probably going through a growth spurt, so he and I have been spending a lot of quality time together (snuggling, chewing on my fingers, and being held). I haven't had a lot of time to myself.

That being said, soon I'll be posting again. Being a busy mom of 3 is taking its toll on my writing goals. Until next time...

Today's encouraging verse: "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." --2 Corinthians 5:21

Our new schedule

You may have figured out by now that I'm very much an A-type personality. I like to be organized, have my space and all the little centers of our home organized, I have processes for just about everything in my routine, and I don't like when something is unorganized. 

The last several months have been pretty chaotic (to me), with moving, having a newborn, my dad getting cancer and being in and out of the hospital, and then passing away, and Christmas, and cold weather with hardly any snow. I felt like our "routine" was getting stagnant and that all of the boys' free time was just filled with play. Not that there's anything wrong with that; 3-year-old boys need to play! I just felt like I was neglecting them by not working with them on any skills or doing any activities with them. I knew if I scheduled things into our days instead of just doing them when I felt like it (I never felt like it), I would be more likely to actually work with them on things.

Being as organized as I am, I wanted to build some structure into our days, so I made a list of all the things I wanted to do with them. I knew I wanted to do music lessons with them (the music teacher in me knows that the sooner they start, the better!), make crafts, go to the zoo, and go outside regularly, so I wrote all those things down. 

Then I made a very rudimentary grid with 4 weeks' worth of boxes to fill in. 

I have scheduled at least 2 things every day, because the time in the morning and the time after lunch is perfect for doing larger chunks of work. Some days it is as simple as a 10-minute music lesson (they strummed my guitar while I played different chords and sang today), or as big as a trip to the zoo (which would take most of the morning, and sometimes over lunch).

So far, the schedule is going pretty well. There have been some days we've missed, due to illness, or working on valentines for the past week. We've learned some new things, I've gotten to spend more quality time with the boys doing fun activities, and I get to learn more about them, by figuring out how they learn. 

One important thing we've included in our schedule is a day at my grandparents' house, their only living great-grandparents. Since Sam was born, they've visited a few times, and I tried to get out more when the weather was warmer this fall, but I've hardly seen my grandparents since Dad died. I just didn't feel like getting out to do much of anything, let alone go see people. I love them dearly, and I want my children to have as much time as possible with them, as they are both 87, but I just couldn't bring myself to get everyone packed up to go visit them. 

Now, we have a morning every week carved out to spend time over there, and Grandma is helping me with a cool craft project for the boys. We'll spend lunch there and head home just before nap time. I can't wait to finish our project, so the boys can learn how to make Grandma's special sweet pickles and her fantastic Christmas candy. I will hopefully also be able to learn to quilt, since Grandma is so great at making beautiful quilts by hand. Most of all, I am excited for my boys to grow up loving my grandparents as much as I do.

It probably doesn't work for most people, but for me, having a schedule holds me accountable. I'm not going to be ridiculously strict over it, and fret over missed activities, but I like having something to shoot for. Right now it gives me a way to make sure we have some variety in our days, so they don't drive me crazy being inside and bored all the time, and I don't feel guilty for not spending time with them.

Today's encouraging verse: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Good fruit

I know I've mentioned before about the pregnancy journal my husband and I started for the twins. I haven't written in it since the boys' birthday at the end of October, and so much has happened since then. I wanted to tell them about Dad's death and tell them about their grandpa before I put it in writing for the web, so I'll just transfer what I wrote to them here:

1/28/17 Twins: 3 years, 3 months; Samuel: almost 5 months

My dear little boys-

It has been so long since I've written you, and so much has happened. I didn't know how to put it into words and I still don't, but I'm going to try anyway.

First, I love you very much. I've wanted to write to tell you about all the wonderful things you're doing, how big you're getting, and how proud I am of you. I knew if I did that though, I would have to talk about this, and I wasn't ready yet.

Here's the thing: your grandpa (my daddy) died. 

We found out a few weeks after Samuel came that Grandpa was sick, and it was pretty serious. He had stomach cancer and there wasn't much they could do except try to kill it with harsh medicine, called chemotherapy. Chemo often makes people sick in other ways, even if it kills the cancer, so we knew it was going to be hard, if he made it through all of that.

Grandpa was in and out of the hospital several times over October and November for an infection. He had lots of fluid in his tummy that wouldn't go away, and it made him very sore and bloated. Right before Thanksgiving, we found out the fluid was part of his cancer and they couldn't get rid of it, stop the cancer from spreading, or fight it with chemo because he was too sick.

After Thanksgiving, Grandpa came home from the hospital and was planning to be home until the cancer finally took him. We thought that might be several weeks, or at least several days. Unfortunately, we were mistaken, and he died after being home for only 24 hours, on November 29th.

Your grandpa was not a rich or powerful man, he wasn't exceptionally smart or a great philosopher. He read car magazines and the newspaper, and he would read you picture books if you curled up in his lap. He liked old cars and doing things for other people. He collected things like tools, car ornaments, and clocks. He worked his whole life to make sure my mom, my brother, you 3, and I all had what we needed. He wasn't ever afraid of hard work, and I don't remember him ever turning down a request for help. He did many things for me growing up I never even knew I needed done.

Most importantly, he loved you boys more than anything. He would have done anything for you. He lost over 200 lbs in the last year so he could play and take care of you, and be healthy as you grew older. He worked so hard and did such a great job, he wanted to be able to physically do anything for you too.

He was so proud of you. Every time we went in to his work at Costco, he couldn't wait to tell his coworkers you were his grandboys. He let you get on the forklift and showed you how to honk the horn. He talked about you all the time and kept photos of you on the desk. Even after he got sick, he volunteered to watch you, by himself, so I could go to an appointment. He loved spending time with you.

We went to the lake last summer, and Grandpa was so eager to let you "drive" his pontoon boat. You were scared to, but you enjoyed riding in the boat and talked about staying in "Grandpa & Grandma's camper" for weeks.

Your grandpa was not a church-going man, and I'm not sure if he ever opened a Bible, but he claimed to know Jesus. If the "fruit of the Spirit" is any indication of one's spiritual walk, Grandpas was a righteous man. We won't know this side of heaven, but I pray that we will all be together for eternity at God's side. Since little Sammy will probably not remember Grandpa (although, we serve a Big God--He could do it if He chose), we pray that each of you has a deep, rich relationship with Jesus, so you can get to know your grandpa personally in heaven. Until then, just know that he will be sorely missed.

This probably won't be the last time I write about Grandpa. As I remember more and more, I'll try to share those things with you. I so wish you each had more time with him, but I am grateful for all the time and fun you did get to spend with him.

I love you very much.

Love always-

Mom

Today's encouraging verse: "For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22

Trust and obey

Written last night:

Being a mother of 3, 3 and under is not an easy job. I say this as someone who has given birth to, nursed, and raised twins, so you know this has some credibility. Sure, my twins are incredibly smart and well-meaning, they love to be helpful, and are getting to be fairly independent. But there are some days I would give my right arm to only have to tell them 1 time to do 1 little thing, and know that it gets done without my having to micromanage every step of it. Today was one of those days.

The most recent example was this evening, right before bed. I asked Isaac to go to the bathroom and take off his underpants and his pants, so we could put a diaper on him for sleep (they are so close to being diaper-free! Probably in the next few weeks...). He walks away, goes in the bathroom, then comes back 30 seconds later, completely dressed. I asked if he went to the bathroom, he said, "I already went," so I asked him to go back in the bathroom and undress. He went back in and came out with a shirt, underpants, and socks. So I asked him once again to go get ready for bed, and 5 minutes after the initial request, had a half-naked boy dancing out of the bathroom with a diaper waving over his head. 

We have been talking with them extensively about obedience, and trying to patiently work with them on learning to obey, the first time. We have had a bit of trouble getting them to obey the second, third, fourth time, or sometimes even at all. It's not that they're necessarily being defiant (although, sometimes Isaac tests those waters), it's just that "toddler time" is about 2 hours behind "Mommy time," if things even get done at all before they get distracted by the next thought that floats into their little blonde heads. 

One of the main things we've been trying to teach them about obedience is that if they can't obey their parents, who, very clearly, tell them exactly what we expect, how will they be able to obey God, whose voice is sometimes hard to discern and sometimes asks great things from us? Of course, we have His Word, but He also whispers to us and nudges us in various ways to get us to do His will. On a more practical level, they also need to learn to obey laws and rules in order to be functioning citizens.

It is slow going, and we take many steps back, and do much reminding of "what it means to obey," but they are also very sweet little people. I do get frustrated with them, and sometimes lose my temper with them, but somehow they usually manage to disarm me suddenly with a completely unexpected action, like the one I saw today. 

I had just finished nursing Sam and set him in his Boppy so I could get lunch ready for the older boys and myself. He is almost able to sit up by himself (amazing, with that huge noggin!), so I put a pillow in front of him and set him in the corner of the couch. I walked away, and before I knew it, this is what I saw: 

Tyson climbed up there, moved the pillow, and sat and smiled, tickled, sang to, and even read a book to his tiny little brother! Sam loved being face to face with Tyson, and Tyson held the book up so Sam could see the illustrations, and read every page with a smile to him. My heart absolutely melted.

As much as they can drive me crazy, it's moments like these that make it all worth it. We put them down for bed tonight, and prayed for their poor little noses to stop running and for their coughs, and for them to learn to be more obedient, and both Tyson and Isaac prayed, of their own will, for us all to obey, to have a good night's sleep, for my husband's job, and to apologize to one another. I could not have been more proud.

They may not do everything we ask. They may not do half of what we ask. They may require several reminders, redirections, whatever you like to call them. But they get the stuff that really matters. Baby brothers are people too, and are worth taking the time to interact with. Praying together really does make a difference, and God hears our prayers. Even the prayers of a little child can change a grumpy adult's hurting heart. I love my boys. All 4 of them (sometimes my hubby needs extra reminders too) ;-) And I am blessed to have the privilege to work with them each day, caring for them, teaching them, and loving them. If God gave me the challenge of raising these boys, He will also give me the patience, kindness, and grace to do it well.

Today's encouraging verse: "And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness.” Deuteronomy 6:25

Just do it

It feels like I've got all this bottled up emotion and words to share, and not enough time to get them all out. I hate feeling like I have to do everything at once. I want to write meaningful, coherent posts, to get all this junk out of my head so I can move on to other things, but for now, I just need to write, hence the title, "just do it."

Here goes:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

In other news, the "boys" (our nomenclature for the twins) are turning into little men. They say "thank you," "you're welcome," they have opinions, they have observations. They are really sweet little folks, even though they often get on my nerves. I can't imagine having to share everything, including my bedroom, with someone that looks and acts a lot like me. It would probably annoy me a too. We are trying to split them up more, give them their own space to play and interact, and take them on errands and spend time with them individually. It is helping, but I don't know if it's enough.

Sam is growing so much! He's a very big boy, in the 85th percent for his height and weight, and his big noggin is off the growth chart. I can hardly keep him in hats, none of the size charts are even close for him. He has this new habit of smiling, then sticking out his tongue and keeping it out with the widest smile. It's so adorable, and makes me smile every time.

We are spending the weekend away from home, iced in at my in-laws' home about an hour from home. I've been able to relax some, get some help in taking care of the baby, and not having to do an endless supply of laundry and dishes has been nice.

I will write again, sooner than I have been. I just needed to get started, so now I've broken the ice, as it were. I'd like to write more about my dad, I just need time to get my thoughts down. In the meantime, take care and God bless, and enjoy the time you have with the people you love.

Today's encouraging verse: "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

Dad

I can't write about it yet, it's still too fresh (even though it's been a month), but here is a post from one of my other blogs about my dad: http://knitpickerlnp.blogspot.com/2016/12/dad.html

I will write more as I am able, but I am still wrapping my head around everything that happened, and dealing with it in my own way. Usually, that's to write, but if I can't get time to do the topic justice, I just won't do it.

Today's encouraging verse: "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12